King Ted Cruz of Amerida


tedhellIt was around the turn of the other century, before the voyage of the Titanic, when these words were recorded:

“Well, sir,” said Mr. Dooley, “onaisy lies th’ crown on anny king’s head these days. Th’ time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a king. Arly in life I’d committed the youthful folly iv bein’ born outside iv th’ counthry an’ so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don’t make anny diff’rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don’t come fr’m th’ counthry where he’s king.” (Thanks to Gutenberg.org, where donations are welcome)

Even back in them heathen times before the Bolsheviki foisted their income tax on America with 0.1% of the popular vote, saloonkeepers read and understood the Constitution:

“No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”

This is bad news for Ted Cruz, for the Finian invasion failed to conquer godless Canada and bring her into the fold of civilization. But SNL’s airing of Amerida back when the Democratic Party was chaired by Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev, raised the spectre of a Canadian invasion and conquest of These States. Despite his rejection by a majority of Republican voters, Lying Ted could still wield political power. All it takes is a successful invasion.

And why not? Canada, after all, had no prohibition amendment or Herbert Hoover enforcement to reduce the nation to the Tommy-gun warfare of teetotalitarianism and the economic collapse attendant to such circumstances. Canada was herself invaded by American refugees from involuntary servitude back before there was a libertarian party anywhere. Surely we’d be better off under genuine laissez-faire liberals and pot-smoking, pro-choice low-tax Canook conservatives than in the fix we’re in now.

If Canada were to conquer These States, Lying Ted could become the God-Saven King of Amerida, and never raise enough votes in Parliament to even ban weed, birth control pills or 12% beer.

There would be malcontents, of course. Many a balding pate wrinkles in nostalgic disgust when recalling campaign promises that “laws against pornography are here to stay,” or prophesies that “homosexuals will always be arrested and branded as felons.” But hark! Those cherished ideals are kept alive in the former Ottoman Empire and parts of the Former Soviet Socialist Republics. The best part is that those countries lack The Wall to keep out the huddled masses of Positive Christianity’s conservatives, yearning to breathe waterboarding and pining for them Old Time Religious laws.

Birth control and contraception are now as Verboten and Haraam in the Islamic State as they were in These States under the smug ministrations of the Prohibition Party (as interpreted into jurisprudence by the DemoGOP) in the 1920s. Former ‘Murrican Malcontents for Mohammed could form their own faction under Sharia law. Mohammedans right this very minute enforce their Republican Sharia Laws banning and prohibiting intoxicants and driving up prices fourfold on the black market. Girls bought and sold in the public square can be stoned to death in that same square for so much as peeking through their balaklavas at a coathanger, so staunchly is the “life begins at erection” position ingrained over there. (Al-Qur’an 6:151)

Lying Ted for Monarch! The Libertarian Party of Canada could gain a majority in Parliament before the end of Ted’s benevolent reign. The biggest problem for the Holy Monarch would be those pesky 50% of the Canadian population who, despite being women, are so infatuated as to imagine themselves clothed in individual rights.

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